“There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.”
"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."
"It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance."
“Still, I figure you can close your eyes and listen to your own breath, or you can close your eyes and touch yourself – either way, you're going to end up in the same blissful state.”
" When I was a kid you knew milk was good, because there was only one kind of milk, 'moo cow fuck' milk, and that was it. Now you dont know, because when you go down the grocery store, the milk aisle goes on for fuckin ever. There's 1%, 2%, low fat, skimmed, asadophalis milk ? What the fuck are ya talking about ? Lactose intolerant milk ? Kiss my dick ! If you re lactose intolerant, you cant drink milk, so whats in the fuckin carton ? "
"...and if you walk to the end of the block, there sits a Starbucks. And directly across the street -- in the exact same building as that Starbucks -- there is... another Starbucks. There is a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks! And ladies and gentlemen, THAT is the end of the universe."

"They say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know, because after 22 hours on a plane, any land mass would be beautiful. We could have landed on a tiny iceberg and there could have been just two penguins blowing each other and I would have been thrilled to see them and I would have performed."
~ Lewis Black